


Perfect

by TVXQmamacita



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 16:19:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13978896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TVXQmamacita/pseuds/TVXQmamacita
Summary: Yunho is obsessed with perfection





	Perfect

Changmin always teases him about being a masochist.

Yunho didn’t enjoy pain, of course. However, he had a desperate need for perfection.

Of course, Changmin’s biggest reason to hate Yunho’s perfectionism is the extra hours they spend practicing and recording at the studio.

But neither of them care because in the end, they get the results that they want, and suddenly, the extra pain they go through is always worth it.

“I don’t care what you call it,” Changmin says to him one day, collapsing onto the ground of the dance studio. He curls up, as if this seemed like the perfect time and place to take a nap. “It’s going to get one of us killed one day.”

Yunho just laughs, because sometimes Changmin is more dramatic than he would like to admit, and Yunho thinks it’s hilarious. 

* * *

Yunho focuses on everything except himself.

That was another thing about Yunho that Changmin hates.

Yunho is too dedicated. Once he was given a task, everything else was pushed into the background.

Changmin remembers how many times Yunho worked himself so long and so hard that once everything was through his body finally gave up, resulting in Yunho collapsing where he stood.

But Yunho never learns his lesson. He’s too stubborn, and refuses to admit that he has limits.

Changmin realized that the only way he would ensure that Yunho’s habits wouldn’t kill him was if the maknae kept a close eye on the leader, and he didn’t care how much extra work that involved.

Changmin starts to make sure Yunho eats. He didn’t care if Yunho ate nothing but junk food throughout the day, as long as he was getting some form of energy to keep going.

Changmin starts to make sure Yunho sleeps enough. Yunho expects too much of himself, and his sleeping habits suffer because of that. Changmin wants to make sure Yunho is well rested, reminding him that it was impossible to do anything right without a decent amount of sleep.

Overtime, Changmin starts to see positive changes in Yunho, and that makes him happy. He starts to feel that he doesn’t have to worry so much about Yunho anymore, and that thought causes his anxiety levels to decrease.

His constant watch over Yunho begins to decrease over the years because “Yunho will be fine,” Changmin always tells himself.  

He believes that, until one day, it seems like the biggest lie he’s ever told.

* * *

For Yunho, the hardest part about preparing for a comeback was the dieting.

Changmin didn’t understand that. 

He never did.

Which is why Yunho actively avoids Changmin during a comeback period, because he knows he won’t be able to resist Changmin tempting him with food.

But, without fail, Changmin seeks him out, and Yunho is reluctantly eating with Changmin at one o’clock in the morning.

Changmin doesn’t show affection in conventional ways. Usually, Changmin shows his love by making fun of Yunho or causing some sort of physical injury. The least violent way Changmin knows how to show love involves food. So Yunho knows, when Changmin forces him to eat, it’s all his way of showing how much he cares.

But sometimes, cheating on his diet hurts more than a punch in the face from Changmin.

“Your body’s perfect, Hyung,” Changmin would say as he practically shoves food down the older one’s throat.

“Doesn’t it taste good?” Changmin would ask as he serves Yunho a second serving, despite how much Yunho is telling him to stop.

Of course it tastes good. Changmin is an excellent cook and Yunho was weak when it came to saying no to him.

But Yunho would remind Changmin that he was toning his body for their comeback. He would plead for the maknae to listen, because how was he going to reach his goal if Changmin kept throwing all this food at him?

But Changmin just shakes his head. “You look good!” he says. “You don’t need a diet.”

Yunho wants to say “no,  _ you  _ don’t need a diet and it’s not fair.” 

But Yunho doesn’t want Changmin to lecture him. Instead, he smiles, promising to eat as much as Changmin tells him to as soon as they’re done promoting their new album.

* * *

Except their album promotions come and Yunho notices he’s losing weight slower than normal this time and for some reason it bothers him.

Yunho finds himself cutting out more and more from his diet.

His breakfasts are replaced by strawberry-flavored protein shakes and he spends an extra two hours in the gym everyday.

He’s gotten better at refusing Changmin midnight “snacks”, and he’s proud of himself because that was a form of progress he was could actually see.

Being under Changmin’s watchful eye, the maknae suspects something almost right away.

But lying comes easy to Yunho, and he never believed that would ever be possible.

“I already ate, Min. Enjoy.”

“I had some cereal before I went to the gym.”

“I’m not feeling well.”

“I was so tired that I fell asleep without dinner.”

He feels the guilt eating away at him every time he looks into Changmin’s eyes and tells yet another lie, but Yunho reminds himself that it was for the best and Changmin wouldn’t understand what a diet is.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” Changmin says to him one day. “But if something  _ is  _ wrong, you’ll tell me, right? Just like you promised?”

Yunho flashes his signature smile. “Of course I will, Changdola,” he answers. 

Except nothing is wrong, so Changmin has nothing to worry about.

* * *

He lost four kilograms.

Yunho clenches his fists in anger as he stared down at the number on the scale. 

All that hard work and only four kilograms to show for it.

Was the universe mocking him?

Probably.

With a heavy sigh of defeat, he stepped off the scale and put it away. 

As he left the bathroom and enters his room, the front door opens, proving that the universe really was mocking Yunho.

“Yunho!” Changmin called out as he closed the door behind him. “I got some food! Let’s eat!”

Yunho doesn’t reply. Instead, he crawls into bed. Maybe if he pretends to be asleep, Changmin will leave him alone.

But Yunho has no such luck as he hears footsteps approaching his room. 

“Yunho,” Changmin says as he opens the bedroom door. 

He didn’t knock, didn’t ask permission to come in. He just let himself in. 

“Yunho,” Changmin says again as he approaches the bed. Yunho’s back is toward him but Changmin still doesn’t take it as his cue to leave. Instead, he sits on the edge of the bed and gently shakes Yunho. He can tell the older one is still awake, and is confused as to why he was getting the silent treatment. “Yunho. Let’s eat. I brought our favorites. I just finished filming my drama and that calls for celebration. Come on.” He continues to shake Yunho until the older one finally responds.

“I’m not hungry, Changmin,” Yunho finally mutters. He still has yet to face Changmin.

Yunho’s response causes Changmin to shiver, but he ignores it and continues his urging. “How can you not be hungry?” he asks. “You didn’t eat breakfast this morning, and BoA said you were so busy at the studio you didn’t have time for a break.” And with the exception of a mug in the sink, there was no other sign that Yunho spent any real time in the kitchen.

Yunho sighs. “Changmin,” he says. “I’m not hungry.”

Changmin’s eyebrows crease together at Yunho’s behavior. He noticed Yunho was growing more and more distant and Changmin couldn’t figure out why. “Hyung,” he says. “Is something wrong?”

Yunho scoffs, once again sending chills down Changmin’s spine. He slowly sits up, finally facing Changmin, and the maknae almost smiles.

Almost.

“I’m tired, Min,” Yunho finally answers, his voice suddenly laced with bitterness. “I’m tired and you just walk in here and won’t leave me alone!”

Changmin’s eyes widen at Yunho’s outburst, but Yunho fails to notice. Instead, he lays back down, clutching his blanket tightly around him. 

“I want to be alone,” Yunho mutters. “Please.” 

This time his voice is more gentle, but still cuts at Changmin’s heart as he continues to stare at Yunho with wide eyes.

“Okay,” Changmin surrenders. He slowly rises off the bed, and can hear Yunho sigh in relief as he walks away.

* * *

“I don’t understand,” the stylist says as she studies Yunho.

Yunho shuffles his feet. Her worried gaze is making him uncomfortable, and he isn’t sure how he’s supposed to react. “What’s wrong?”

The stylist bites her lip, trying to figure out what could have happened. She had two red and black suits custom made for Yunho and Changmin.

Changmin’s suit fit perfectly, while Yunho’s suit seemed to hang loosely on him.

Changmin walks up to the pair at that moment, staring at them in confusion. He notices the confused gaze on the stylist’s face before his eyes focus on Yunho. 

“Yun-Yunho,” Changmin mutters, his eyes widening as he realized what was troubling their stylist in the first place. 

“Your suit is too big,” the stylist explains to the leader.

Yunho can’t understand why the two of them are so worried. So he smiles and says, “It’s okay. At least this guarantees I don’t rip my pants on stage this time.”

The stylist laughs along with Yunho.

Changmin just stares at Yunho, his vision suddenly becoming blurry before he realizes he’s on the verge of crying. He turns and quickly walks away, ignoring the casual jokes Yunho began to make about his weight.

* * *

Changmin hears Yunho come back home from a jog. He rolls out of bed and leaves his room, running into the sweaty form of Yunho in the hallway.

“Hey,” Yunho greets him casually.

“Hey,” Changmin replies. He notices Yunho’s face seems flushed and he wonders if Yunho is getting sick.

They two of them have a free day today, something the both of them cherish in order to catch up on rest and live their lives like normal people for 24 hours.

“I was thinking,” Changmin continued, nervous about how Yunho would react. “Can we eat together? We haven’t spent any real time together lately, and there’s that new barbecue restaurant that opened up…”

Yunho swallows the lump in his throat, hoping that Changmin doesn’t notice his hesitation. 

He wants to say no.

Yunho rubs the back of his neck. “I’m a little tired today, Min,” he mutters. “I just want to spend today lying down or something.”

At least that wasn’t a lie. His head is pounding and his body aches. If it hadn’t been for his need to exercise this morning, Yunho would have stayed in bed all day.

“I can pick something up for us then,” Changmin offers. He knows he sounds desperate, but he doesn’t care. “Or I can cook something. There’s a Thai recipe I found online the other day. I can try to make that. And I bought ice cream last night. We can share it.” Changmin doesn’t care what option Yunho takes, he just wants to see the older man eat.

Yunho wants to say no. He’s doing so well, and doesn’t want to ruin the progress he’s made so far.

But then he looks into Changmin’s eyes, and sees the grief behind them. Suddenly, Yunho feels weak and all he wants is for Changmin to smile again.

Yunho finally nods. “Why don’t we try that Thai recipe of yours?” he finally says. One thing he wasn’t lying about was how tired he was. He really didn’t feel like going anywhere else, and he was glad Changmin gave him the option to stay home. 

Changmin’s face instantly brightens. “Why don’t you shower?” he suggests. “I’ll start cooking the food, okay?”

Yunho nods before he makes his way to the bathroom.

Yunho takes his time in showering, because he needs to figure out how he can make both himself and Changmin happy. 

He comes to the horrid conclusion that he couldn’t do both, and tears begin to fall from his eyes because there’s no way to escape this without bringing more suspicion to Changmin.

Yunho suddenly grows dizzy, and he places his hand on the wall to steady himself. His knees feel weak and he doesn’t understand why his vision starts to swim.

But he didn’t have time to wonder what’s going on before he’s falling and his vision goes black.

* * *

Yunho wakes up and immediately realizes that he’s not in his own bed.

He slowly opens his eyes. His eyes rove around the white room before they land on Hojoon, who looks tired and happy at the same time.

“Yunho,” Hojoon breathes. “How do you feel?”

Yunho isn’t sure how to answer that, because apart from the slight headache, he feels fine, but the look on Hojoon’s face concerns him.

“What happened?” Yunho asks instead. 

“You fainted in the shower,” Hojoon answers.

“Oh,” Yunho replies.

“Changmin was worried because you were taking too long,” Hojoon continues. “You weren’t answering so he let himself in...”

That’s when Yunho realizes Changmin isn’t in the room. “Where is he?”

Hojoon sighs, and Yunho suddenly regrets asking that question.

“He’s with Kyuhyun,” Hojoon answers. “He was...anxious when you were brought in. So Kyuhyun took him home to rest.”

“What was wrong him?” Yunho asks.

Hojoon shakes his head. “I’m not sure,” he replies. “But he’s extremely worried about you. The doctors said you fainted due to low blood sugar and Changmin says he can’t remember the last time he saw you eat. Yunho, what’s going on?”

Yunho sighs, because he can’t believe Changmin made this into a bigger deal than it should be. “Nothing’s going on,” he says. “I overworked myself again. How many times has this happened before?” Yunho crosses his arms over his chest.

“But,” Hojoon begins. Yunho can already sense the hesitation coming from the other man. “When  _ was _ the last time you ate?”

“I had some fruit before my jog,” Yunho lies.

There’s a look on Hojoon’s face, and Yunho can’t read it. 

“Changmin’s job isn’t to monitor me 24/7,” Yunho reminds him. “Just because he doesn’t see me eat doesn’t mean I never do.”

Hojoon knows Yunho is right to a degree, and he can’t get himself of argue. Yunho works too much; that’s something everyone knows. No matter how many times people tell him to slow down, he can’t seem to listen. 

So Hojoon tells Yunho what everyone tells him all the time.

“I just need you to take better care of yourself, okay?” Hojoon says. 

Yunho nods. “I am,” he says. “So don’t worry about me.”

* * *

Yunho wakes up in the middle of the night. He has a bottle of seltzer water in the fridge and figures drinking that will help send him back to sleep.

He freezes when he hears a shaky voice coming from the living room.

“I...I don’t know what to do, Kyu.”

It’s Changmin, but Yunho has never heard him sound like this before, and he wonders what could possibly be puzzling Changmin so much to make him sound so distressed.

“I’m so afraid,” Changmin continues. “Maybe...maybe I’m not trying hard enough or…” he trails off, and Yunho’s eyes widen as he hears Changmin sniffling.

“He’s killing himself and I don’t know what to do.”

Yunho’s breath gets caught in his throat, but thankfully Changmin doesn’t hear him.

Changmin starts sobbing and Yunho wants to run to him, hug him tightly, and tell him everything was going to be okay. Yunho wants to go to Changmin and wipe the tears off his face and tell him to smile because suddenly all Yunho wants to see is Changmin’s mismatched eyes.

But Yunho doesn’t do any of that.

“I want to save him. I  _ need  _ to save him. I just...I just don’t know how.”

Yunho runs to his room instead, a sharp pang forming at his chest. He's not thirsty anymore. All he wants is to crawl back underneath his covers, go to sleep, and pretend he didn't hear any of that.

* * *

Changmin’s eyes are red, his face is slightly swollen, and Yunho can suddenly see that the younger one hasn’t slept in days.

“Hyung,” Changmin says. His voice cracks, as if he’s about to start crying, but thankfully, he pulls himself together. “I haven’t seen you eat a decent meal in weeks. What’s...what’s going on?”

Yunho shakes his head, because Changmin wouldn’t understand. Changmin would never understand and Yunho hates the fact that the maknae thinks he has a problem.

“Nothing’s going on,” Yunho replies. “I’m fine.”

Changmin scoffs. He would have probably laughed if this whole situation hadn’t scared him enough. “You landed yourself in the hospital,” he reminds Yunho. “You’re not fine.”

Yunho shivers, hugging his sweater tightly around himself.

“You’re starving yourself,” Changmin accuses. “Why? What happened?”

“Nothing happened, Changmin,” Yunho counters. “We’ve both been busy, of course my eating habits are gonna get a little weird.”

Changmin stands up, puzzling Yunho. He watches as the younger one makes his way to the pantry. He could hear him rummaging through his stash of snacks and felt his heart beating faster because he knows what’s going to happen next.

Changmin returns with a bag of chips. “We’re free now,” he points out as he tears the bag open. “Let’s share this, okay?” 

“Changmin, you’re being ridiculous,” Yunho says. 

“Humor me,” Changmin says. He pulls a chip out of the bag and holds it up for Yunho to take. “Eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” Yunho says.

“You can’t fit one chip?” Changmin challenges. “Come on. Just one.”

Yunho sighs. Changmin is being aggressive and he has no idea how to avoid this. The last time Changmin was this insistent, Yunho escaped by fainting in the shower.

He doubts something like that will happen now.

“Just one,” Changmin pleads. “I just want you to be okay.”

“I  _ am  _ okay,” Yunho replies.

Changmin shakes his head. “No you’re not,” he argues. “No you’re not.” He crushes the chip in his hand. “You’re not okay, and you don’t see it.”

Yunho shakes his head because Changmin doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Changmin doesn’t understand. Changmin thinks he knows everything but he really doesn’t. 

“Why are you doing this?” Changmin asks.

Yunho feels tired, and when he looks into Changmin’s watering eyes, he feels like throwing up. “Changmin,” he mutters, shaking his head. “Everything’s fine.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” Changmin asks.

“Because it’s true,” Yunho answers innocently. “And I want you to see that.”

“No, Yunho,” Changmin argues, shaking his head. “I need  _ you  _ to see what’s going on. You’re not eating! You’ve lost so much weight! And right now you refuse to do something as simple as eat one thing. A few weeks ago I gave you space because something was stressing you out but if I had known that...” he trails off, because he feels his eyes watering even more. “If I had known this is what was going on I…oh God this is my fault.”

Yunho’s eyes widens as he watches the maknae crumble. “Min,” he says softly. “Nothing’s your fault. I just-” he sighs “-you won’t understand what’s going on.”

“Then talk to me,” Changmin says. “Help me understand.”

But Yunho doesn’t know how Changmin could ever understand. He’s  _ Changmin _ . Changmin is perfect. He has never had to worry about his looks or his weight. Yunho drowns in jealousy when he’s around Changmin because the younger one is flawless and Yunho can’t imagine ever being able to reach that level.

“Yunho,” Changmin says once he notices Yunho isn’t trying to tell him anything. “Please.”

There’s a beat of silence as Yunho tries to find his ability to speak. He knows Changmin really cares, he can see how much this was hurting him. 

Guilt violently drops on Yunho’s shoulders because he was the cause of Changmin’s pain, something Yunho promised he would never do.

Yunho’s eyes start watering up and it’s as if the dam finally breaks open. 

This time he’s honest. Yunho felt like everything he had ever said was a lie until this moment, where he bears his soul to Changmin and realizes  _ this is what relief feels like. _

Once Yunho is done, Changmin is silent, staring at him with his mouth hanging open. 

Yunho feels devastated, because there’s no way Changmin could ever see him the same way after this and Yunho can completely understand Changmin’s sentiments. Yunho is supposed to be the hyung, the leader, the good example.

But Changmin sees he’s much weaker than he put on, and Yunho wants to run away.

But finally, Changmin speaks. 

“But...Hyung,” Changmin chokes. “You’re perfect.”

Yunho shakes his head because how could Changmin believe that he was perfect after all this?

“I mean...you’re not perfect,” Changmin corrects himself. “But no one’s perfect, and no one should be expected to be perfect.”

Changmin reaches over and hugs Yunho tightly. “You don’t have to be perfect, Yunho,” he whispers. “Because you’re so wonderful and I’m sorry you felt so much pressure to the point that you felt the need to do this. But you’ve always been good enough at everything you do. You’re better than good enough. You’re….you’re Yunho. You’re incredible, and you are one of the greatest people I’ll ever know.”

Yunho finally returns the hug at Changmin’s words. “I’m sorry,” he says weakly, because he’s not supposed to burden Changmin with his troubles, and Changmin isn’t supposed to be crying because of him.

Changmin shakes his head. “You don’t owe me an apology.” He holds Yunho even tighter, as if he fears the older one is going to just get up and run away. “We’ll get you help, okay?” Changmin offers. ”I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re okay but Yunho...let me help you. Please.”

“Changmin-ah,” Yunho whispers, tears continuing to fall from his eyes. “I’m so tired.”

Changmin nods. “I know,” he replies. “I know. That’s why I’m here for you.”

* * *

It takes a while before Changmin is comfortable leaving Yunho alone, and Yunho understands that. He’s getting better, they both are, but it definitely came with its own problems.

There are days where Yunho’s depression hits him so hard he can barely get out of bed. There are other days where he can’t stand the thought of eating because even looking at food makes him feel nauseous. There are also the times Yunho feels guilty for what he had done, and for putting everybody, especially Changmin, through this torture.

Then there’s Changmin. Some nights, when he thinks Yunho is asleep, Changmin lays in bed and cries until he falls asleep. There are some days Changmin still blames himself for what Yunho went through, and he can’t seem to convince himself otherwise.

Not yet, anyway.

But Yunho is in therapy now, and after seeing how much it was helping him, he asked Changmin to start going as well. 

As another day ends, Yunho crawls into bed. Changmin isn’t back yet, but Yunho is too tired to stay up and wait for him.

Despite his exhaustion, Yunho doesn’t fall asleep right away. But laying in bed is relaxing, so he doesn’t complain. 

Instead he thinks about these past few months and how much things have changed for the worse but also for the better. He’s more grateful to Changmin than he has ever been, because Yunho can see he’s recovering and feels it would have been impossible without Changmin by his side.. 

He’s close to dozing off when he hears the front door open and close, so Yunho forces himself to stay awake, because he knows Changmin is home now and is more than likely to come in here first.

Yunho’s door opens seconds later. “Hyung,” Changmin says softly. The lights are off, so Changmin is unsure if Yunho is actually asleep.

Yunho smiles. “Come in,” he replies.

Changmin obeys, walking up to Yunho’s bed before sitting on the edge.

“How did the recording go?” Yunho asks.

Changmin shrugs. “It was okay,” he answers. “But I’m glad to be back home.” Changmin was upset that he couldn’t come home early today, but he had a recording and there was no way to escape it, no matter how hard he tried. 

Yunho moves over, providing room for Changmin on the bed. The maknae gets the message right away, and helps himself to lay next to him. 

“I left kimchi stew in the fridge for you,” Changmin says. “Did you eat it?”

“I did.”

“All of it?”

“All of it,” Yunho reassures. 

“You’re doing great, Yunho,” Changmin mutters. “I’m proud of you.”

Yunho can’t help but smile at those words. “Thank you, Changmin.”

“I’m serious,” Changmin says. 

“I know,” Yunho replies, turning over and casually laying his arm across Changmin’s waist.

“I’m sorry I was gone all day.”

Yunho shakes his head. “You need a break from me anyway,” he points out.

“That’s not true,” Changmin says immediately. 

“I want you to live your life, Min,” Yunho says. “It shouldn’t always revolve around me.”

“But I  _ want  _ to be here,” Changmin argues.

“And I want everything to go back to normal,” Yunho counters. Because he hopes that one day, all of this will be behind them and Yunho is eagerly waiting for that time. But for now, he hates how much Changmin has been sacrificing his free time to make sure Yunho was okay. It was Yunho’s job to watch out for Changmin, it always has been. Yunho hates that the tables have turned so drastically.

“You may think being around you is an inconvenience,” Changmin begins. “But it’s not. I like seeing you happy. I like knowing that you’re okay.”

“I know,” Yunho replies. “And I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

Changmin lets out a yawn, causing Yunho to laugh.

“Go to sleep, Min,” Yunho commands.

Changmin doesn’t leave. Instead, he curls up, a sigh of content escapes his lips as he closes his eyes.

“Okay, Min. You can sleep here tonight,” Yunho says with a big smile on his face. He knew Changmin was going to stay here with or without his permission anyway.

“There’s no such thing as perfect, Yunho,“ Changmin says, surprising the older one. “You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be you. That’s all anyone of us will ever ask from you.”

Yunho isn't perfect, but he promises to be the best he can be.


End file.
